I Chose Fire

and it consumed me...

Nov 22

About 2 years ago I froze my life,
put it on ice and gave up everything
About 2 years ago I left my house,
my pets, my life, my love, my everything

I wanted to drink,
suck the ice cubes from a million gallons of sad songs
I wanted to fail, to give up and freeze.
I saw everything I’d ever done wrong
I was a fuck up, I was a failure, I was a liar.
I could have given up then, I could have stayed in ice
Instead I chose fire

I chose to burn away those parts of me,
those thoughts of what used to be
I chose to see, to be in constant burning agony,
to become something strange.
I chose not to give up and to embrace,
this hot glowing element of change.

I beat back the urges, the cold thoughts of ending everything
I beat back and purged this stack of reasons I had to not to do everything
I beat back the endless tears and the constant urge to die
In a world full of ground based life forms, I chose to fly.

I chose fire.
To break down the tiniest parts of me into intelligent matter
to show that I was burning everything we used to have and damn her.
What mattered is that I burned inside and everything I used to own turned to ash
Ashes I kept on my bedside table and tasted with wet eyes every morning.
I drove angry and refused to crash.
I flew at the sun and refused to melt.
For the first time, instead of drowning my sorrow, I felt.

I drove my whole heart into that furnace like a dagger.
I quit drinking, I stopped thinking
I walked 2000 miles of endless rage, not blinking,
I swam to the edge of eternity not sinking
I took 300,000 milligrams of help
I had 365 sessions of therapy,
I wrote 1095 journal entries,
which is every single day, times three.
I turned everything off –
I threw it all away, into a burning new version of me.
I chose fire when I chose hell. But I chose to see.

I wanted to become something else,
my own fucking version of a phoenix with raised fists
I wanted to be the kind of person I thought about
when I see people doing it right and I get pissed
I wanted to walk through a sheet of flame,
and come out wearing nothing but my pride
I wanted to finally win. I wanted to ride the goddamned ride,
I wanted to live like a saint whose only dreamed of sin,
I wanted my life back but I left it behind me, again and again.

I chose what I wanted to be, I chose to go higher
I chose what I’d always feared, I chose to stop being a liar
I chose a whole new life, and when I could have froze up.
I chose a better way to be, to be inspired.
I chose myself, and I chose fire.