I Asked Myself Once

Before I can stop myself a sigh escapes,
before I can count my blessings,
a grief grips my heart in waves.

When I saw the sun that one day on a faded bench
I asked myself, why am I like this?
Why am I this way?

The answer was a water pond. Rippling in stillness
I still don’t know what it means.
I just remember one day, one hour.
Where I saw with perfect clarity.
Where all the excuses turned to smoke.

I answered myself that day and every day since.
Why am I this way? Why am I like this?
I am because I choose to be,
I fail because I like to try,
I lie because I’m scared of life.

Yet another fingertip touches my heart scars.
Yet the gray follows me through golden light.
Yet a sigh escapes.
Turns out that pond was right.

They were all hair and love and skin,
They were everything, like ghosts and sin,
They were all the ones who left behind,
The reason for my endless sigh.